Screw salt, lets put some wasabi on that shit!

I am so tired of being alone with myself. Of coming home to my daughter and only the thoughts in my head for company. I keep things together because there is no other option. I can't quit. I can't ever just say fuck it anymore. I'm fucking losing it. I am so fucking stressed out by life, by work, by my piece of shit fucking car. My asshole landlord and every other little detail. I am so tired of being the only person I can count on. I like to think that back in the day I had really good friends I could talk to about this shit, but I never did really. I was always on the outside, always trying but not quite fitting into the mold. Still, I miss the friends I used to have. Now I come home alone, with my baby girl and I try to keep myself from downing in this thing called adulthood. Real mother fucking life. I remember when I used to be so depressed and upset about everything, I was fucked up back then. And then I look at now and wonder how I've made things better. I can cope better now... I guess. There is just no stopping. There is no break, no peace. I want a hug, from someone who really cares. I want to feel like I am important to a soul other than my baby that depends on me for everything. I want to know that there is someone out there that can think and do for themselves that wants to be with me too. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I know this will get flagged. And I know most of you probably wont even read this far. Thanks if you did. I don't know what I hope to achieve with this, I'm not really showcasing my best qualities. I just needed to vent. And needed to know someone out there will read it. Even if I get flagged, at least a few of these words, of these thoughts will have crossed another's mind, and have gotten farther than just me.

Good luck, and thanks again for reading.

why do i get so stupid when someone shows me an ounce of attention? why and i so pathetic? i really liked josh, and he is a great guy. i just need to much. the only people who have ever been able to give me enough have taken so much in return. can anybody really love me? i hate that i even have to ask that question. it makes me feel even worse. i need a hug. :(

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i was recently browsing a friends blog, and i saw a like he had made to here. it has been a serious amount of time since i have posted anything to this site. much of it has to do with lack of internet, and the rest forgetfulness of password. oi. but ive meandered back and i am happy for that. Hannelore and i are having an ok day, though i think she woke up a little cranky. cleaned out my kitchen and my storage/closet space last night. worked until i puked. though that may have been pizza induce too. not positive. anywho, just wanted to update. i wont make any promises, but id like to update more. :)

see you soon livejournal

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so I've spent the better part of the last hour or so trying not to get all worked up. It hasn;t worked. I don't like not being able to control or even handle this kind of thing. I cry when I dont want to, and I dont have anyone to ask for help. I want a hug, I want someone to want to be around me and I want someone to love me. I know I fucked up. I am a fucked up being and so is everyone else. My alien is a constant fucking reminder of a mistke that changed my life. He's not even here yet and I know that.

I wish I could not care. I wish I could just say fucking it and end it. Before all this happened, that was the state of mind I was in. I wanted to kill myself. Tonight I don't even trust myself with a blade. I don't want to feel better anymore I just want everything to go away. I can't fix this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I can't put into words how worthless I feel right now. Half of the people who said they would be there for me just threw that all out the window tonight. I'm sure in a few days everything will be fine. Right now I need help though.

I wish this would all go away. Everything.

First Doctors appointment today.

Woke up at seven to call in sick, my boss scheduled me even after she knew I had appointments. The phone was busy for a fucking hour, and when I finally got thru I told her I wasn't coming to work and she hung up on me. What a wonderful woman.

After that I got out of bed and got into the shower, mostly warm, but Emma showers in the morning so, it was very short. Got dressed, I love my new pj pants, they are so much more comfortable than my jeans. My jeans still fit, they are just really tight, and it doesn't feel good on my tummy. Makes the nausea worse.

I ate a little captain crunch, but it was nothing exciting. We left for the health department. Mommy told me about how it was when she was getting benefits for Emma, 11 years ago. We discussed the ridiculous ceiling "decoration". I wish I knew what it was for. One baby in blue, one in pink. They were both adorable. We met with the WIC lady. She was nice, explained the program, made me sign things. She told me that if I brought in results of my blood draw I wouldn't have to get poked at the next appointment. I was impressed with that.

After that we went a block down to Dr. Hallak's office. That was entertaining I suppose. Filled out some paperwork, and waited. Mommy and I found some giraffes and ducks in the pattern on the carpet. The lady across from us thought we were strange. We ended up waiting for quite a while.

My little old english lady Barta showed up for an appointment. She's such a wonderful person. She is knitting me a jacket of sorts for the baby. I guess its something that's common across the pond. I'm excited. It's going to be green. :)

We finally went in for the appointment, not to bad. Peed in a cup, talked with the nurse, she filled out a bunch of paperwork. Met my doctor, and he tried to do a mini ultrasound, to hear the baby's heartbeat. I guess the alien is still to small, because he couldn't hear it. Had a pap smear, no big. Got fabric garments though, instead of paper, which was kind of cool.

The doctor game me a little shit and asked me if I was sure I had had sex because my hymen looks like it is still intact. Pretty neat I guess. He said everything else was normal.

I do have high blood pressure still. And I also have a high amount of protein in my urine. Because of that they had to take a few extra vials of blood. I also get to pee in a jug for a day, that'll be oh so interesting.

After my appointment the nurse told me to schedule an ultrasound and another appointment. I also had to get my blood drawn. I was in tears when I walked thru the door. I am so scared of needles. Shots aren't AS bad, but they still fuck with me. I just.. I don't know. It's psychological, and I wish I understood so I could fix it. It's embarrassing being so afraid of something. The lab tech was very nice, I asked her to only poke me once, and she tried, but she couldn't get the vein in my arm. She had to take blood from my wrist in the end. I got thru it, but it still freaks me out and makes me cry.

After that I set up mu appointments, I was able to get my doctors appointment the same day as my next WIC appointment which is nice. My ultrasound is on the 18th. I'm nervous, but happy. I want to see my alien. My blood sucking alien. :)

After all that we were going to go get ice cream, clowns to be specific, but I asked if we could get lunch instead, because I needed to eat. Mommy and I went to BK and had some lunch and came home. I wrapped presents for one of her coworkers children, she bought them a bunch of gifts which is pretty cool in my opinion.

Today is Grandma's birthday, so we went to see her and give her her gift tonight. Her condition was that we went to see great grandma too. I got to tell her I was having a baby. She's been in the care facility for a little over a year now. She's not doing well at all, it is hard to see her like that. But she smiled and giggled her little laugh when I told her. I think it made her happy. I'm sad to know that she probably wont be around to see the baby at all. She's such a wonderful woman.

After that we went to Mazatlan with Grandma and Tom for dinner and it was fabulous. I love mexican food and I have been craving it so much. Totally amazing.

Another thing to note is that Mommy has decided she doesn't want to be a "grandma". She hasn't decided what she wants to be, but I'll have to help her figure it out I am sure.

I'm still thinking of names, prying all my relatives for family names to see if I can find one that I like. I am pretty sure of my girl name, but I still need to pick out a boy name.

More next week when I get results from the ultrasound. <3

Sometimes when shit just keeps coming at you from all directions you just have to get away and do something good for yourself. Well, I did that this past weekend, but it also took its toll on me. The part that is the worst though is the repercussions from some of the people that I am closest to. "Well, why did you do it then?" "I didn't make you go and do that now did I?" No, you didn't and I did it because I needed it. The whole experience is soured by people who don't get the fact that if you don't run away and treat yourself nice every so often, you will explode. I had so much fin in Seattle this weekend. I got to explore by myself, have nothing to do but whatever I decided, and it was amazing. The whole time I was thinking of the people I love and wishing I could share it all with them, and when I come back they just scold me for doing something nice for myself.

I don't get the way the world works.

Likelihood of you being FEMALE is 94%
Likelihood of you being MALE is 6%


Site Male-Female Ratio
google.com
0.98
yahoo.com
0.9
myspace.com
0.74
youtube.com
1
wikipedia.org
1.08
ebay.com
1.11
mapquest.com
0.83
craigslist.org
1.13
flickr.com
1.15
apple.com
0.89
webmd.com
0.69
capitalone.com
0.75
ehow.com
0.87
kbb.com
1.15
travelocity.com
0.8
myhotcomments.com
0.53
myxertones.com
0.67
myyearbook.com
0.57
fda.gov
0.69
icanhascheezburger.com
1.04
gmail.com
0.9
okcupid.com
1.06
motherjones.com
1.47

Today is Sunday April 13th. Its around 7:30 at night.

In three days I will be 22.

Ooo, dramatic setup.

Not really. I just need to write. I seem to be getting this feeling a lot more. The one where the only way I am going to feel better is if I get it all out on paper and cry till I can’t anymore. I feel pathetic. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. I can’t control myself, let alone my life.

I’ve been sick since I met Cody. I’ve been exhausted, and I keep getting fevers and this cough wont go away. I fucking hacking up snot all the time, and it’s the worst when I sleep, so I’m still tired when I wake up. How can I get better if I can’t sleep?

My physical health really just brings me down right now. It’s keeping me home when I’m not at work and miserable when I am. I don’t know what to do to get better. Water is my best friend, but I’m still not even close to staying hydrated. It’s like a lose lose battle.