Screw salt, lets put some wasabi on that shit!

so I've spent the better part of the last hour or so trying not to get all worked up. It hasn;t worked. I don't like not being able to control or even handle this kind of thing. I cry when I dont want to, and I dont have anyone to ask for help. I want a hug, I want someone to want to be around me and I want someone to love me. I know I fucked up. I am a fucked up being and so is everyone else. My alien is a constant fucking reminder of a mistke that changed my life. He's not even here yet and I know that.

I wish I could not care. I wish I could just say fucking it and end it. Before all this happened, that was the state of mind I was in. I wanted to kill myself. Tonight I don't even trust myself with a blade. I don't want to feel better anymore I just want everything to go away. I can't fix this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I can't put into words how worthless I feel right now. Half of the people who said they would be there for me just threw that all out the window tonight. I'm sure in a few days everything will be fine. Right now I need help though.

I wish this would all go away. Everything.

First Doctors appointment today.

Woke up at seven to call in sick, my boss scheduled me even after she knew I had appointments. The phone was busy for a fucking hour, and when I finally got thru I told her I wasn't coming to work and she hung up on me. What a wonderful woman.

After that I got out of bed and got into the shower, mostly warm, but Emma showers in the morning so, it was very short. Got dressed, I love my new pj pants, they are so much more comfortable than my jeans. My jeans still fit, they are just really tight, and it doesn't feel good on my tummy. Makes the nausea worse.

I ate a little captain crunch, but it was nothing exciting. We left for the health department. Mommy told me about how it was when she was getting benefits for Emma, 11 years ago. We discussed the ridiculous ceiling "decoration". I wish I knew what it was for. One baby in blue, one in pink. They were both adorable. We met with the WIC lady. She was nice, explained the program, made me sign things. She told me that if I brought in results of my blood draw I wouldn't have to get poked at the next appointment. I was impressed with that.

After that we went a block down to Dr. Hallak's office. That was entertaining I suppose. Filled out some paperwork, and waited. Mommy and I found some giraffes and ducks in the pattern on the carpet. The lady across from us thought we were strange. We ended up waiting for quite a while.

My little old english lady Barta showed up for an appointment. She's such a wonderful person. She is knitting me a jacket of sorts for the baby. I guess its something that's common across the pond. I'm excited. It's going to be green. :)

We finally went in for the appointment, not to bad. Peed in a cup, talked with the nurse, she filled out a bunch of paperwork. Met my doctor, and he tried to do a mini ultrasound, to hear the baby's heartbeat. I guess the alien is still to small, because he couldn't hear it. Had a pap smear, no big. Got fabric garments though, instead of paper, which was kind of cool.

The doctor game me a little shit and asked me if I was sure I had had sex because my hymen looks like it is still intact. Pretty neat I guess. He said everything else was normal.

I do have high blood pressure still. And I also have a high amount of protein in my urine. Because of that they had to take a few extra vials of blood. I also get to pee in a jug for a day, that'll be oh so interesting.

After my appointment the nurse told me to schedule an ultrasound and another appointment. I also had to get my blood drawn. I was in tears when I walked thru the door. I am so scared of needles. Shots aren't AS bad, but they still fuck with me. I just.. I don't know. It's psychological, and I wish I understood so I could fix it. It's embarrassing being so afraid of something. The lab tech was very nice, I asked her to only poke me once, and she tried, but she couldn't get the vein in my arm. She had to take blood from my wrist in the end. I got thru it, but it still freaks me out and makes me cry.

After that I set up mu appointments, I was able to get my doctors appointment the same day as my next WIC appointment which is nice. My ultrasound is on the 18th. I'm nervous, but happy. I want to see my alien. My blood sucking alien. :)

After all that we were going to go get ice cream, clowns to be specific, but I asked if we could get lunch instead, because I needed to eat. Mommy and I went to BK and had some lunch and came home. I wrapped presents for one of her coworkers children, she bought them a bunch of gifts which is pretty cool in my opinion.

Today is Grandma's birthday, so we went to see her and give her her gift tonight. Her condition was that we went to see great grandma too. I got to tell her I was having a baby. She's been in the care facility for a little over a year now. She's not doing well at all, it is hard to see her like that. But she smiled and giggled her little laugh when I told her. I think it made her happy. I'm sad to know that she probably wont be around to see the baby at all. She's such a wonderful woman.

After that we went to Mazatlan with Grandma and Tom for dinner and it was fabulous. I love mexican food and I have been craving it so much. Totally amazing.

Another thing to note is that Mommy has decided she doesn't want to be a "grandma". She hasn't decided what she wants to be, but I'll have to help her figure it out I am sure.

I'm still thinking of names, prying all my relatives for family names to see if I can find one that I like. I am pretty sure of my girl name, but I still need to pick out a boy name.

More next week when I get results from the ultrasound. <3

Sometimes when shit just keeps coming at you from all directions you just have to get away and do something good for yourself. Well, I did that this past weekend, but it also took its toll on me. The part that is the worst though is the repercussions from some of the people that I am closest to. "Well, why did you do it then?" "I didn't make you go and do that now did I?" No, you didn't and I did it because I needed it. The whole experience is soured by people who don't get the fact that if you don't run away and treat yourself nice every so often, you will explode. I had so much fin in Seattle this weekend. I got to explore by myself, have nothing to do but whatever I decided, and it was amazing. The whole time I was thinking of the people I love and wishing I could share it all with them, and when I come back they just scold me for doing something nice for myself.

I don't get the way the world works.

Likelihood of you being FEMALE is 94%
Likelihood of you being MALE is 6%


Site Male-Female Ratio
google.com
0.98
yahoo.com
0.9
myspace.com
0.74
youtube.com
1
wikipedia.org
1.08
ebay.com
1.11
mapquest.com
0.83
craigslist.org
1.13
flickr.com
1.15
apple.com
0.89
webmd.com
0.69
capitalone.com
0.75
ehow.com
0.87
kbb.com
1.15
travelocity.com
0.8
myhotcomments.com
0.53
myxertones.com
0.67
myyearbook.com
0.57
fda.gov
0.69
icanhascheezburger.com
1.04
gmail.com
0.9
okcupid.com
1.06
motherjones.com
1.47

Today is Sunday April 13th. Its around 7:30 at night.

In three days I will be 22.

Ooo, dramatic setup.

Not really. I just need to write. I seem to be getting this feeling a lot more. The one where the only way I am going to feel better is if I get it all out on paper and cry till I can’t anymore. I feel pathetic. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. I can’t control myself, let alone my life.

I’ve been sick since I met Cody. I’ve been exhausted, and I keep getting fevers and this cough wont go away. I fucking hacking up snot all the time, and it’s the worst when I sleep, so I’m still tired when I wake up. How can I get better if I can’t sleep?

My physical health really just brings me down right now. It’s keeping me home when I’m not at work and miserable when I am. I don’t know what to do to get better. Water is my best friend, but I’m still not even close to staying hydrated. It’s like a lose lose battle.

You would think going something like getting your liscence renewed would make you feel good. No, it made me feel like shit. I feel down on myself, down on my situation, and I really have no motivation for anything. I work in about a half an hour and thats gonna be a fucking ball. I just kinda want to crawl back into bed and make today go away. I have no reason at all for this bad mood. Its not really even bad, its just.. morose. I just feel dumb and pathetic and horrible. what makes this worse is I have no idea how work will play into that. Its always a crap shoot, it depends on what sort of mood a few key people are in. Just one person can turn the whole store. It sucks. *sigh* Oh well I guess. Maybe it wont be so bad. Maybe I'll go get a drink after work or something.

Why do I always come to this point? Its like a skip in a record, I just cant get past that one little spot. It keeps coming back again and again.

I hate feeling like this. Like a failure. I feel like I cant do anything right anymore.

I’ve been in and out of suicidal. Bought new razor blades but can’t bring myself to use them.

I just hate feeling so broken inside. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t even know where to begin. I hate this life. I hate myself. I am a fucking failure. What have I done with myself? Nothing. I live like a fucking slob, I can’t handle a normal fucking day anymore.

I smoke ridiculous amounts, I fucking get stoned to forget. I hate myself.

I don’t know what I did to make it this way. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s like crawling out of an endless tunnel. I don’t know what to do.

----------

This is a specific thing that is getting me upset and down and I need to make a plan to deal with it. Listing it here does not make it insignificant or lessen the impact is has on me in any way. In order to fix the problem I need to acknowledge it.

Work- It is stressful daily. That can be dealt with. I have been passed over for a promotion twice. I have tried to talk to my boss about this, be she seems to sidestep the problem. The last thing she said was that I was late the day prior. Have not been late since. Will continue to be on time and try not to get stressed out.

Actions to take: Keep calm. Don’t let little things piss you off. Don’t let your temper get the best of you. Look for the positive in a situation. Keep busy. There is a SOR this weekend. There should be plenty to do before then. Just keep things pleasant and busy. Talk to Joan again next week.

Car- I don’t even know what to say about my car problems. I can’t seem to be able to handle having one. If I don’t have one I feel trapped, immobile. If I do have one I can’t seem to keep it running long enough to do anything constructive with it. Bullet needs to be looked at, but I am fucking broke.

--------

I don’t know what I am doing with myself. I don’t know who to talk to. I cant do this by myself. But who do I ask? Guy has bullshit going on with Nicole. He has no idea what this is like. Feeling like it would be better if I were dead. I’m afraid to tell someone. I don’t want them to think I am seeking attention. I really don’t want that. Not like that. I need attention, yes, but I don’t want it to be like that. I want praise for the good things. Amber is busy living her own life. A lot of why I don’t want to talk to her is that she is so close with Jenn and when Jenn and I got into I just sort of lost faith. I can’t believe what she said to me. I don’t know if its true, I don’t even know who to ask. I feel like such a fucking asshole even thinking about it. I don’t know how to tell amber about this. She thinks I am better now. But I’m not. Freddie. I don’t even know where to start. I still have so much feelings for him. I want to be around him I want to be with him. But I know I am blocking out all the bad things when I crave him. I know I will just make it worse if I call, just worry him for no reason, because he cant fix me. I have to do it.

All the other people I have been hanging out with aren’t even nearly as close as I would want in order to even open up to them. I love Shawna to death, but she doesn’t wanna hear about my problems. She’s got enough to deal with with the wedding and work and Derek and Danielle. I just.. I don’t know. Ericka helped that night at the bar, but that was drunken making sure youre ok so I can keep having fun help. I don’t want to put this on her. I just.. I don’t know what to do. There is no one to talk to.

And the whole Todd thing. I don’t even know where to begin there. I really need to talk to him, to know what the fuck is going on. That situation is more confusing than the rest. Never should have crossed that line. I don’t know what the fuck he’s hearing at work, and why he wont believe me. It fucking sucks. I hate being so stressed out over something I have no control of. It beats me up in ways that I can’t control.

I feel hopeless. I don’t even know where to start. I think I said that before. Go figure.

What do you think?

The first sentence of each month last year. Interesting.

January: To ring in the new year I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show in ocean shores.

February: I feel like I am not driving the car of my life anymore.

March: All I want is one last hug.

April: I hope this doesn't offend you.

May: I am not ok.

June: Yesterday I had two or three.

July: The other night I made a comment about how long it had been since I had seen the sunrise.

August: The last time I saw you, the last time I touched you, the last time I felt you.

September: Your hands in my hair, pulling and tugging, while you bite and kiss my neck.

October: I cut myself tonight.

November: I feel like this week everything has really been against me.

December: I wrote an add more than two months ago and posted it to craigslist, and I met a boy.

I feel like my world is falling apart.

I cant shake this feeling of miserableness and dread and being lost in a place I know so well.

I am very very lonely. I really just want someone to hold me at night. To hold me all the time.

To protect me from myself.

I miss him. But I miss the ones before him too. I miss feeling safe and loved.

Why do I feel like this?

I wrote an add more than two months ago and posted it to craigslist, and I met a boy. The ad was honest, and out there a little. It was about being broken and wanting a connection.

But here I am now, totally falling for him, and still so much very broken that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm killing myself every day, wishing I weren't. Killing myself because I am addicted to it, so that I might break another addiction, that still haunts me, still takes me over.

Killing myself willingly, legally, and fully.

I can feel it. I'm not healthy. I'm not healthy at all. Mentally, physically, emotionally. What did I get him into? I cannot be fixed by another person, I cannot fix myself. They don't make the pieces I need to work.

I feel some days like if I could fall back into time and just not have lived the way I did, maybe this would be different. Maybe the people from my past who haunt me wouldn't be haunting me, maybe they would still be here.

I feel like all the mistakes I have ever made, all the lies I have ever told all the hurt I have experienced is pilled up on me, and there is no way I can make amends for my sins. There is no savior, and I have to take responsibility.

It is a crippling thing to think. How can you ever make it out when everything is on top of you. You're at the bottom of a well, drowning, and all you can do is yell, and hope someone throws you a rope, but then you are to weak from hiding all the stupid shit you've ever done to even begin to think of climbing it, or even tying it around you to let them pull you up.

That is, if there is someone standing there to hear you.

I just feel like the insides of me are inrepairable. Like nothing I can ever do will be enough. I have failed so many times, and I can't make that go away. The feeling inside me that tells me you aren’t good enough to make this. you aren’t good enough to do anything.

I wish I could. I wish those things still drove me like they used to. I wish I had someone to push me and love me like that.

The driving factor for so long was I am going to prove you wrong. I am going to make something of myself. But here I am, still nothing. Still working a dead end job, still not in college, still without a plan. Without a dream or ever glimmer of what I want to do in five years. Nothing.

I wish I could fix myself. Reprogram my brain into believing in me. Is that possible? Do they do that? Even if they could, it would probably be deemed illegal, someone somewhere would be bound to misuse the procedure, to further fuck up someone’s life.

I don't know where this is going. I just wish I could be fixed. I wish someone could show me how, I wish I could figure it out myself.

I wish I didn't feel like I was hiding things from that boy, just because I am afraid to lose him. I have so much stacked up against me already, I just don't think I can show him anymore without him running away.

I am fucked up.

I am insecure.

I am completely lost.

And I have no idea what to do anymore. (But, I don't think I ever did, go figure.)

I just want to get out of this hell.

Merry Christmas.

I feel like this week everything has really been against me. It is hard to get thru tonight, I just feel incredibly beat down.

It is little small things that are getting to me. But they are a part of the bigger things, and I really am not sure how to deal with it.

I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to deal with my car. I don't want to find a new job.

I really just want to but up my white flag and just give up on everything.

Life is not on my side right now. It is so hard to believe otherwise.

I have such a strong urge to hurt myself again. I can't, I won't. But the urge won't go away. The need to see the pain, to bleed it all out of my system.

I drew with my pastels today. It sucked. I didn't feel the passion I used to have. I wasn't inspired to create a damn thing. I don't know what I love anymore. I can't find anything that makes me feel unconditionally good.

I really do feel quite broken.

And I hate it. And it becomes so hard not to just give up and hate me.

I wish I knew how to fix this. To fix these feelings.

I want a deep physical and emotional relationship that does not depend on sex. I want a man who wants to touch me all the time, but not fuck me all the time.

I want someone who can lie in bed and cuddle with me, and not have to grope me.

I want someone I can spill my heart out to, someone who can love unconditionally.

I want someone I can trust, who can trust me.

I want someone who could provide for me if they had to, but doesn't expect to. I want someone who respects my need to be the breadwinner every once in a while.

I want someone who is serious, and takes things to heart, but can go with the flow and flex and roll with the best of em.

I want someone who is still trying to improve who they are, and can help me do the same. I want someone to encourage my stupid ideas and my great ones.

I want someone who wants to conker the world.

I want to end up feeling loved, cherished, and valued.

Can you do that?

I opened this up cuz I really wanted to send you a message, see how you were doing, and open up a deep conversation.. But now I have no idea what to say at all.

The best I can come up with is how's things? Life and such? Which is so vague that.. Well, I can't really expect that to start something amazing eh?

The reason I can't even begin is I don't know where to start to turn myself off. Things just seem so wrong, and I want to talk to you. You seem to have a deep perspective, you seem to know how to get in touch with him, every single time you need it. You've gotta know something I don't.

It's hard for me to say that. I'm supposed to be the youth group leader. I hope none of the kids see this. I'm supposed to be strong and rooted in the lord and when was the last time I prayed? Well, the other day, for an ambulance and who I assumed to be an injured party. The last time I talked to God before that? A long ass time ago. It makes me wonder if thats why things are falling apart.

I don't know what the hell God wants me to be doing. I have a strong feeling that I won't for a long time. I've always felt this way. Like I am a wanderer. I'm never quite satisfied. I never quite believe. I just don't get it man. Its like.. Where's the absoluteness I want to find so badly? And why is it so hard to obtain?

I find myself making stupid stupid decisions these days. I recognize it too, which is the worst part. Why am I fucking myself up like this? I went and bought a new set of razor blades to. They are still in the package, but I bought em. I feel like I am breaking down, back into that.

But maybe thats the point? Destruction to create the ultimate ideal? I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass now. I just want some of this, some of me to be justified I think.

And the crazy dreams and uber stress don't help. I don't know what the fuck is up with my dreams,but I would like it to go the hell away. They are creepy, and I'm tired of waking up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. I just want to get some peaceful rest, be physically well, and be able to figure out this mess that is my head.

Thats kind of a lot though. Maybe soon. Fuck I hope so?

Eclectic- Adj. - Not following any one system, as of philosophy, medicine, etc., but selecting and using what are considered the best elements of all systems.

I miss John so much. I really want to talk to him. Just be around him. I can't believe I have held on this long to something so.. I don't know. I think I still love him. I just been to see him.

The last time I saw you, the last time I touched you, the last time I felt you.

God I miss you so much. It hasn't hurt like this is so long, I forgot the feeling. I just wish you were still here. I wish I could pick up the phone to dial your number, even if I didn't have the courage to call. I wish I could hear you speak, feel your touch.

Sammy, Brittany, Baby doll. Come back. Make this go away. It's been almost five years now. I wonder where we would have been. I wonder if you would even still speak to me. I wonder if Clinton ever thinks about you anymore.

Why did things end up like this? Why?

Some days I really just want to go with you. Not because I want to see you though, just because I am so tired of living. I wonder if I would get to see you again.

God Brittany, it is so hard. I wish you could help me fix it. I wish you could be my light. I wish you were here to protect me. I wish I could have protected you.

I loved you Britt. I still do. I will see you someday.

That what it is that bugs me the most I think. The night was amazing, but nothing became of it because there was no follow thru. No swish, nothin. And I don't think it will happen any time soon either. Kind of sucks at the moment, but maybe at the end of summer? Wishful thinking.