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Andy
Sep. 20th, 2007 | 10:10 pm
I opened this up cuz I really wanted to send you a message, see how you were doing, and open up a deep conversation.. But now I have no idea what to say at all.
The best I can come up with is how's things? Life and such? Which is so vague that.. Well, I can't really expect that to start something amazing eh?
The reason I can't even begin is I don't know where to start to turn myself off. Things just seem so wrong, and I want to talk to you. You seem to have a deep perspective, you seem to know how to get in touch with him, every single time you need it. You've gotta know something I don't.
It's hard for me to say that. I'm supposed to be the youth group leader. I hope none of the kids see this. I'm supposed to be strong and rooted in the lord and when was the last time I prayed? Well, the other day, for an ambulance and who I assumed to be an injured party. The last time I talked to God before that? A long ass time ago. It makes me wonder if thats why things are falling apart.
I don't know what the hell God wants me to be doing. I have a strong feeling that I won't for a long time. I've always felt this way. Like I am a wanderer. I'm never quite satisfied. I never quite believe. I just don't get it man. Its like.. Where's the absoluteness I want to find so badly? And why is it so hard to obtain?
I find myself making stupid stupid decisions these days. I recognize it too, which is the worst part. Why am I fucking myself up like this? I went and bought a new set of razor blades to. They are still in the package, but I bought em. I feel like I am breaking down, back into that.
But maybe thats the point? Destruction to create the ultimate ideal? I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass now. I just want some of this, some of me to be justified I think.
And the crazy dreams and uber stress don't help. I don't know what the fuck is up with my dreams,but I would like it to go the hell away. They are creepy, and I'm tired of waking up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. I just want to get some peaceful rest, be physically well, and be able to figure out this mess that is my head.
Thats kind of a lot though. Maybe soon. Fuck I hope so?
The best I can come up with is how's things? Life and such? Which is so vague that.. Well, I can't really expect that to start something amazing eh?
The reason I can't even begin is I don't know where to start to turn myself off. Things just seem so wrong, and I want to talk to you. You seem to have a deep perspective, you seem to know how to get in touch with him, every single time you need it. You've gotta know something I don't.
It's hard for me to say that. I'm supposed to be the youth group leader. I hope none of the kids see this. I'm supposed to be strong and rooted in the lord and when was the last time I prayed? Well, the other day, for an ambulance and who I assumed to be an injured party. The last time I talked to God before that? A long ass time ago. It makes me wonder if thats why things are falling apart.
I don't know what the hell God wants me to be doing. I have a strong feeling that I won't for a long time. I've always felt this way. Like I am a wanderer. I'm never quite satisfied. I never quite believe. I just don't get it man. Its like.. Where's the absoluteness I want to find so badly? And why is it so hard to obtain?
I find myself making stupid stupid decisions these days. I recognize it too, which is the worst part. Why am I fucking myself up like this? I went and bought a new set of razor blades to. They are still in the package, but I bought em. I feel like I am breaking down, back into that.
But maybe thats the point? Destruction to create the ultimate ideal? I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass now. I just want some of this, some of me to be justified I think.
And the crazy dreams and uber stress don't help. I don't know what the fuck is up with my dreams,but I would like it to go the hell away. They are creepy, and I'm tired of waking up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. I just want to get some peaceful rest, be physically well, and be able to figure out this mess that is my head.
Thats kind of a lot though. Maybe soon. Fuck I hope so?