Screw salt, lets put some wasabi on that shit!

so I've spent the better part of the last hour or so trying not to get all worked up. It hasn;t worked. I don't like not being able to control or even handle this kind of thing. I cry when I dont want to, and I dont have anyone to ask for help. I want a hug, I want someone to want to be around me and I want someone to love me. I know I fucked up. I am a fucked up being and so is everyone else. My alien is a constant fucking reminder of a mistke that changed my life. He's not even here yet and I know that.

I wish I could not care. I wish I could just say fucking it and end it. Before all this happened, that was the state of mind I was in. I wanted to kill myself. Tonight I don't even trust myself with a blade. I don't want to feel better anymore I just want everything to go away. I can't fix this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I can't put into words how worthless I feel right now. Half of the people who said they would be there for me just threw that all out the window tonight. I'm sure in a few days everything will be fine. Right now I need help though.

I wish this would all go away. Everything.

First Doctors appointment today.

Woke up at seven to call in sick, my boss scheduled me even after she knew I had appointments. The phone was busy for a fucking hour, and when I finally got thru I told her I wasn't coming to work and she hung up on me. What a wonderful woman.

After that I got out of bed and got into the shower, mostly warm, but Emma showers in the morning so, it was very short. Got dressed, I love my new pj pants, they are so much more comfortable than my jeans. My jeans still fit, they are just really tight, and it doesn't feel good on my tummy. Makes the nausea worse.

I ate a little captain crunch, but it was nothing exciting. We left for the health department. Mommy told me about how it was when she was getting benefits for Emma, 11 years ago. We discussed the ridiculous ceiling "decoration". I wish I knew what it was for. One baby in blue, one in pink. They were both adorable. We met with the WIC lady. She was nice, explained the program, made me sign things. She told me that if I brought in results of my blood draw I wouldn't have to get poked at the next appointment. I was impressed with that.

After that we went a block down to Dr. Hallak's office. That was entertaining I suppose. Filled out some paperwork, and waited. Mommy and I found some giraffes and ducks in the pattern on the carpet. The lady across from us thought we were strange. We ended up waiting for quite a while.

My little old english lady Barta showed up for an appointment. She's such a wonderful person. She is knitting me a jacket of sorts for the baby. I guess its something that's common across the pond. I'm excited. It's going to be green. :)

We finally went in for the appointment, not to bad. Peed in a cup, talked with the nurse, she filled out a bunch of paperwork. Met my doctor, and he tried to do a mini ultrasound, to hear the baby's heartbeat. I guess the alien is still to small, because he couldn't hear it. Had a pap smear, no big. Got fabric garments though, instead of paper, which was kind of cool.

The doctor game me a little shit and asked me if I was sure I had had sex because my hymen looks like it is still intact. Pretty neat I guess. He said everything else was normal.

I do have high blood pressure still. And I also have a high amount of protein in my urine. Because of that they had to take a few extra vials of blood. I also get to pee in a jug for a day, that'll be oh so interesting.

After my appointment the nurse told me to schedule an ultrasound and another appointment. I also had to get my blood drawn. I was in tears when I walked thru the door. I am so scared of needles. Shots aren't AS bad, but they still fuck with me. I just.. I don't know. It's psychological, and I wish I understood so I could fix it. It's embarrassing being so afraid of something. The lab tech was very nice, I asked her to only poke me once, and she tried, but she couldn't get the vein in my arm. She had to take blood from my wrist in the end. I got thru it, but it still freaks me out and makes me cry.

After that I set up mu appointments, I was able to get my doctors appointment the same day as my next WIC appointment which is nice. My ultrasound is on the 18th. I'm nervous, but happy. I want to see my alien. My blood sucking alien. :)

After all that we were going to go get ice cream, clowns to be specific, but I asked if we could get lunch instead, because I needed to eat. Mommy and I went to BK and had some lunch and came home. I wrapped presents for one of her coworkers children, she bought them a bunch of gifts which is pretty cool in my opinion.

Today is Grandma's birthday, so we went to see her and give her her gift tonight. Her condition was that we went to see great grandma too. I got to tell her I was having a baby. She's been in the care facility for a little over a year now. She's not doing well at all, it is hard to see her like that. But she smiled and giggled her little laugh when I told her. I think it made her happy. I'm sad to know that she probably wont be around to see the baby at all. She's such a wonderful woman.

After that we went to Mazatlan with Grandma and Tom for dinner and it was fabulous. I love mexican food and I have been craving it so much. Totally amazing.

Another thing to note is that Mommy has decided she doesn't want to be a "grandma". She hasn't decided what she wants to be, but I'll have to help her figure it out I am sure.

I'm still thinking of names, prying all my relatives for family names to see if I can find one that I like. I am pretty sure of my girl name, but I still need to pick out a boy name.

More next week when I get results from the ultrasound. <3